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Learning to Heal

posted by Misfit August 23, 2017

WHERE HAVE I BEEN…

I’m sure you’ve noticed it’s been a while since I last spoke to you. After my last video in July – I knew I needed to take a bit of a break from the online realm and just work on the tasks before me as well as myself. At the time, I thought just a short mental break was all I needed – but in reality as soon as the camera stopped rolling and life started to slow down — my brain suddenly started processing the last years events.   

A TIME TO REFLECT…

As most of you know, August of last year, my husband and I got a huge curveball thrown at us – realizing we couldn’t have children.   Shortly after that – I was diagnosed with a rather large kidney stone that required surgery – which didn’t go according to plan – and required ALOT more recovering time than we originally expected.   For nearly a year – I’ve had no time to process and just buried my emotions – surviving day to day.  I’m not writing this for sympathy, but rather knowing that some of you could relate.  So, that is where I’ve been for the past month – processing and healing old wounds and even new ones. 

WHAT I’VE LEARNED… 

In one month’s time, I’ve learned ALOT – and I’m still learning.   But there are 4 lessons that at this moment in time really stick out at me. 

LESSON #01: HEALING TAKES TIME…

The first lesson I’ve been reflecting over is that healing takes time.   It’s been a year since my heart was shattered last August.   And during that time – I’ve had a flood of different emotions – ranging from anger to sadness, to even joy and then depression.   It’s literally been a roller coaster ride of emotions.   What made matters worse was this constantly feeling from others – that I needed to just snap back to my old self and move on.  But, healing doesn’t happen over night – I’m not some superhero plastered on the movie screen with the ability to heal with no scars left behind.  Healing takes time Ya’ll and nothing is a quick fix for deep wounds.  And this brings me to my next lesson…

LESSON #02: LIFE HAS NO QUICK FIXES…

Here is a deep load of TRUTH for your pants today.  If you are trying to create a quick fix for your problems – it’s not a fix.  Rather, it’s a bandaid over a problem that is guaranteed to bite you in the but or even devour you whole later on.   And trust me – it will come back to haunt you!  No matter how deep you think you dig.  What I’m learning is there is no way to completely fix my problems – rather I just have to learn to process through them.   Whether your scars are visible or hidden deep within your soul – they aren’t going away.   Those scars will remain with you and even shape you into who you are going to be.   And that can be a good thing or a bad thing… Depending on how you allow those scars to shape your soul.

 

LESSON #03: YOU CAN’T BE VICTOR AND A VICTIM AT THE SAME TIME…

Which brings us to the next lesson, I’ve learned… You can’t be a victor and victim at the same time.   For over a year, I’ve felt my scars weigh me down in ways I can’t truly explain.  This is partially why I started the 30 Tips Series on my YouTube channel – (and this is me being honest with you all – so please be kind) I didn’t really start that series because I really wanted to teach beginner watercolor skills (although it’s been such a blessing since I started it) – but rather I wanted to hide behind my teaching ability and not dive into the emotions that were flooding my soul.   This is why I shut down anything on my YouTube channel that was personal for almost a year.   I was struggling – and while there is a time to struggle and process through the crap you’ve been dealt – I can’t stay there forever.  I can’t remain the victim of this sentence (of infertility).  Rather I have to embrace that scar as a part of me – and stand tall as victor over it at some point in my life.   Now, hear me out – I’m not saying ignore your scars – but rather realize that those scars were left as reminders that you conquered the deepest darkest moments your soul has ever faced.  And for that I am proud of the resilience my soul conquered the darkest moment of my life. 

LESSON #04: DON’T LET THE DARK CHANGE WHO YOU ARE…

And finally the last lesson I’ve learned, is not to allow the dark to change who you are.   When, I learned that I couldn’t have children naturally – one of the first things that burned my soul was drawing and painting.  Yep, you heard me right – the watercolor misfit couldn’t paint.   From January until July – I barely drew or painted anything.   Why?  Well, in order to understand the reason, I have to dive back a bit into my past.   Since I was a child, I always wanted to create a children’s picture book.  This drive and passion had a way of shaping my art style into what you see today – the childish whimsey of illustrations from Misfit-land.  However, after learning the news we couldn’t have children – these illustrations felt like deep stab wounds in my heart of the dream that could never be.   They reminded me of what I had lost and had a way of digging at me in ways I never imagined.   My own art work seemed like a constant dagger invisibly dragging me down to a place I never wished to visit – a deep depression.  No one could understand my paint there – though many tried.  The one thing that had given me comfort (my art) – now was the very thing that burned me in ways I can’t even explain.  In an effort to alleviate my pain – I tried painting in more “mature” (less childish) illustrations.   None of which I truly loved.   You see – I was allowing the dark to re-shape who I was and what I really loved – the whimsey and magic or Misfit-land.  I will admit – it’s been hard to take back the brush and pen and wield it again – but I’ve done it.   And what I’ve found is all the pain and all the heart break has molded my art into something new.   It’s still me, but just like I have changed – so has my art form.  And I think it’s changed for the better.  I’ve learned to let go more and allow the paint to have more of a will of its own.  I’ve learned that I can’t control everything – yet I can control how I view my art style.  No longer does it reflect the childish dream of a potential family – but rather the child within myself that has been locked inside for quite some time.   The child that looks for wonder when the dark settles or views the world as a treasure trove full of possibility.  Although the dark tried to suffocate me – instead I’m being to feel like it gave me a feeling of rebirth.   I’m still me – just different.  I don’t fit in really anywhere – I’m not a mom (though society and culture seems to think I should be at my age) I’m not a traditional artist, I’m not part of a “normal” family – point is I don’t fit into the mold pretty much anywhere…

But for now, I’m learning to be content – even when the world doesn’t seem to understand.  And I’m learning to embrace my Misfit-self and just be me.   If any of you feel like an outcast or like you just don’t fit – I offer this to you – dare to be different and embrace you.   We weren’t made to fit the mold – we were made to break free and be something the world can’t truly understand.  Welcome to the family – of Misfitians – those who dare to be different.  Lots of love to you…I’ve really rambled to long on this one — but felt like this needed to be said.

For now, I’m learning to be content in all circumstances – even when the world doesn’t seem to understand. And I’m learning to embrace my Misfit-self and just be me. If any of you feel like an outcast or like you just don’t fit – I offer this to you – dare to be different and embrace the Misfit. We weren’t made to fit the mold – we were made to break free and be something the world can’t truly understand. Welcome to the family – of Misfitians – those who dare to be different.

 

Lots of Love,

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26 Comments

Dawn Reaume August 23, 2017 at 7:23 pm

Hi Carrie,
Thank you for the email I went to your blog and read the entire Blog text! My heart breaks for you I am so sorry this has happened to you! Of course I do not know what you are going through but when I turned 38 I was diagnosed with several chronic illnesses that put me in a wheelchair for the rest of my life! This was 10 years ago! At the time I had three young children ages 8, 10, & 12! I actually turned off my computer and did not touch it for eight years! So I do understand your grieving process a bit!
We expect our lives to go a certain direction and when when we find that road suddenly has a dead end sign! We are supposed to find a new road to travel on! But it is not quite that simple I basically did not start my healing process until eight years IN – I mean I went through the roller coaster of being angry, being sad, and mad ! But I really was not healing not my body and not my mind! I found art again after giving it up for eight years that was the first part of healing then I found a few support groups on Facebook! It took a year but I finally found one that fits me and boy oh boy has it been helpful! Especially to know that I am not the only one out there going through this! I didn’t realize I needed time to grieve my old self! I now have severe chronic pain and neuropathy it has kept me down too long and I feel I am ready to continue healing and fight to get back some normalcy!
I congratulate you on being able to talk about it – and I wish you all the best on your journey! May Love and Light guide you and may God ??(insert your believe system) bless you and give you comfort during this time! & I am sending lots of hugs!??

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Misfit August 24, 2017 at 7:51 pm

Thanks Dawn so much for sharing! It’s so true – they never tell us that we also have to grieve our old self and our old dreams. I’m thankful that you to are on healing as well! Thanks so much for sharing your story! Lots of lOve, Carrie

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Beverly Sewell August 23, 2017 at 7:34 pm

Good for you for realizing what your challenges are – God Bless you and your hubby. You have much coming in your life – God is the only one who knows your path so just be open and listen to the opportunities that come to you. I have lost my granddaughter, daughter and my first husband, the last 2 within 15 months of each other. My point is, things do get better – just keep your chin up and remember that everyday is the first day of your life. No one can tell you that they understand because they have not been in your shoes, but we can all pray that things go well. Only follow your heart – even though it is broken, it will lead you well. Blessings & hugs, Bev

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Misfit August 24, 2017 at 7:56 pm

Thanks Beverly, your comment reminds me of a quote from C.S. Lewis (one of my favorite authors) “there are far far better things ahead than those we leave behind.” I’m hopeful and excited about what the future holds – even though it’s hard right now. Thanks for commenting and for sharing about your loss. I know that had to have been hard. Blessings and hugs to you too! Carrie

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Debbie August 23, 2017 at 11:29 pm

Carrie – thanks for sharing your journey and learning with us. You are brave and genuine. You do belong – to yourself and those who have the privilege to know you. Keep that chin up, you are amazing just being you.

Hugs, Debbie

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Misfit August 24, 2017 at 7:57 pm

Thanks Debbie! 🙂 Hugs to you too! Carrie

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Betty Taylor August 24, 2017 at 12:30 am

I just gotta say that I have really enjoyed your videos and you have inspired me to try to learn how to watercolor. I’m not good at all, but I keep trying. You are such an inspiration! I really am sorry to hear that your life has been dealt this pretty sucky card, and nothing anyone who follows you can change that. One thing I can be sure of is that your always gonna have people like me who adore you just the way you are. Misfit and all! Maybe because we are all misfits, I don’t know. Don’t give up on being a mom. When there is a will, there is a way.
Thank you for sharing with all of us. I hope you can feel the prayers and love that are being sent your way.

Your friend in Sumter
Betty

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Misfit August 24, 2017 at 8:01 pm

Aw thanks Betty! Your words are such an encouragement! Hugs to you! Carrie

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Cindy August 24, 2017 at 1:05 am

Love you, Carrie. You are doing great. You are so right in all the points you’ve learned and are learning. Our journey isn’t a straight, nor smooth, path, but it’s good. <3

Grandma Cindy

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Misfit August 24, 2017 at 8:01 pm

Thanks CIndy! 😀

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Kathy August 24, 2017 at 2:43 am

Saying a prayer for loss. Give yourself time to heal and to learn new dreams. like little pieces of your very own unique and special puzzle…one piece at a time it will all come together. Be kind to yourself and heal on your own schedule.

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Misfit August 24, 2017 at 8:02 pm

Thanks Kathy 🙂

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allie August 24, 2017 at 4:51 am

Hi Carrie,
I just couldn’t go to bed tonight without writing something.
First of all, I hear you. I hear your pain.
You are on the right path towards healing and you will move forward.
Love, love, love yourself. You know that you are beautiful and have so much more beauty within, waiting for expression on all sorts of levels and in so many ways.
Like a flower bud, waiting to unfold. You will make your life wonderful, because you can.
….and thank you taking time during your time-out and answered my question the other day (in your great poppy online watercolor class. i will post my painting once it’s finished. i like it very much, flaws and all!
thank you so very much for being you and for having the courage share and to do all that you do.
allie

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Misfit August 24, 2017 at 8:04 pm

Thanks Allie for your kind words! I can’t wait to see your painting too! Lots of love to you carrie!

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Kathy Perry August 24, 2017 at 1:54 pm

Carrie, I’m so sorry to hear about this struggle. I had that struggle once, but then, things changed for me and we finally did have children after 8 years of marriage. But, I totally understand. Oddly, my misfit daughter wants to adopt rather than have her own children. She’s always had a heart for helping others.
I’m praying for the peace you’re finding, finally, to continue and give you MUCH pleasure in your life.

Now, that being said, I was wondering if you could do me a huge favor? I too have always wanted to publish children’s books – early chapter books for first and second grades. I actually did publish one last year, but now am re-doing it because I want to do my own illustrations – with watercolor! I have some I would like you to “critique” and give me input on how I can improve. If you would be interested, please let me know how I can send them to you.

Thanks,

Kathy Perry

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Misfit August 24, 2017 at 8:08 pm

Thanks kathy for your comment 🙂 As to your favor – at this moment I don’t have time. But good luck to you in your venture! It’s so exciting to be starting on new projects 😀

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Diane O August 24, 2017 at 9:19 pm

though I know you are hurting and still processing, you have amazing introspection, resilience & maturity that will guide you on a successful journey. I have no doubt you will do incredible things. So happy you have such a wonderful husband and furbaby in your life. this forever misfit is sending hugs to you all.

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Misfit September 6, 2017 at 4:56 pm

Thanks Diane! Sometimes I doubt myself – but been feeling better and stronger recently. Of course it always helps with all of my Misfitians standing behind me and cheering me on! Thanks again! 😀

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Debbie August 28, 2017 at 8:10 am

Hi Carrie
So sorry to hear about your the challenges that you have been facing. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to face a new path forward and communicate that to those around you. My heart goes out to you. I wish you peace, serenity and many blessings.
P.S.
You are a wonderfully gifted artist and inspirational teacher. I look forward to your continued misfit community where I feel right at home as a fellow misfit.

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Misfit September 6, 2017 at 4:55 pm

Thanks Debbie! 😀 That means so much 😀 Yeah to fellow Misfitians!

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Laura Dains September 2, 2017 at 3:15 pm

Carrie,
thank you for sharing your journey. It is a journey, not a destination. Healing is sometimes like two steps forward three steps back. I’m sorry I haven’t engaged in this prior to today. I’ve been dealing with my own process for a number of years and recently suffered a set back that didn’t lessen my empathy for the struggles of others, but in fact, has made other peoples’ struggles impact me deeply.
I was sad to see you close down, but the reasoning you gave when you did was sufficient for me to understand your need to step back and re-group.

I’m glad to see you back, I’ve missed you. My hope for you is that you will always be true to your needs and take care of yourself and your husband first. I know your mis-fitians are important to you – as you are to us. But your health and enjoyment of what you’re doing is paramount.

You’re a lovely woman, you’ve taught me so much, and I look forward to learning more.

love to you
Laura

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Misfit September 6, 2017 at 4:53 pm

Thanks Laura! Yeah – needed to take a mental break. Glad to be back though and feeling better than ever. We all need a break sometimes 😉

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Sherrie P Roberts September 2, 2017 at 6:39 pm

Hi! I am new! The poppies are my first experience with You! I have done all society demands and it has not been enough! I have two sons! Well educated, good jobs! I am college educated – two degrees! Turn your Reflection to yourself! Close the outside thoughts!
My uncle did! In the fifties! He wanted no children. He took care of business. It was a time when women were not to know how to prevent pregnancy! They were a pillar of the community! He loved me! I was the only child he actually talked too! My sons he loved! He would take them from me change their diapers, feed them cuddle them. He would have been a great DAd!
So, reflect on yourself do your children’s books!
Find your ?? and love yourself!
Do not let silly rules of society change you!
My uncle did not get shake my sons hands as grown men! It hurts!
Things happen bad and good! Sometimes the reason is revealed! I am one of five girls- two have never had children.
His love ?? to you may Healing come to you and fill your heart ??!

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Misfit September 6, 2017 at 4:52 pm

Thanks Sherrie! This means so much 😀

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Lydia September 10, 2017 at 3:21 am

Hey girl,
I didn’t read your incredibly impressive comments above, I thought likely they are personal between you and them although, I’m still in denial how public this communication is lol. I never leave comments on anything but something happeneD. I’ve been watching your amazing clips for a year now, AND I HAVE 62 elementarary students ages 5-12 that watched and learned from you as well!!
What I’m writing to tell you….
You need to know two maybe three main things on my heart I felt was specifically for you…
1) I too am a miracle walking… I’m really not that good at art at all, no real natural talent, truly just an eye for weird-greatness and bright hope it can become a reality to someone else…
I have NO Art Degree, Nor a teaching degree at that!! However, at 38 yrs young, I’m an ART TEACHER at a prestigious Leadership School grades K- 12th grade high school!
I’m telling you that to further add… I have walked a similar path in your year-season passed… and my take was similar however the difference was a slightly-different- supernatural-turn around outlook.
In essence of teaching the younger generation and also being child-like in my own sense of adult-ING… ide like to suggest to you this is the only way to “schedule-Joy”!! Maintain a healthy sense of child-like faith, happiness, joy, whimsically-secure in who you are, magically playful, and bright in everything you do!!!
I recently traveled to Redding, CA to attend a Creativity Conference I waited to attend for 4-5 years! Never would’ve imagined going and it happened!!
On that visit… a young boy (20’s) drew a picture for me outside the conference… he shared with me a word of knowledge from God that literally said: God wants you to know he LOVESSSSS YOUR CHILD-LIKE WAYS!!! Plus He reminds you, embrace your child-likeness— WITH the great wisdom you carry!! Wow!!
He said; You were alway meant to have both! Embrace it!!
I have that sketch he drew I like to show ya one day.
I truly felt like that same word I got back in May-2017 and ride out all through August, is the sameness exact word YOUR NAME IS ON!! Just for you girl!!
I am leaving you my #, there’s a lot more that my old-but-happy self can not type on here!
Keep your head HIGH, Your Heart FULL, your Laugh CONSTANT and vision previlant to YOUR TRUE CALLING, … FULLY WHOLE, FULLY MADE, FULLY YOU.
God bless you girl!
Lydia Beyrent (aka, Beyrent-Moose)
K-5th Art Teacher
Crown Leadership Academy
Mt. Pleasant, SC

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Misfit September 12, 2017 at 7:12 pm

Thanks so much Lydia! Your story is truly moving! 😀 I loved hearing every little bit 😀 I hope Irma wasn’t to horrid for you in Mt. Pleasant. Lots of love to you Carrie! 😀

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