I’m sure you’ve noticed it’s been a while since I last spoke to you. After my last video in July – I knew I needed to take a bit of a break from the online realm and just work on the tasks before me as well as myself. At the time, I thought just a short mental break was all I needed – but in reality as soon as the camera stopped rolling and life started to slow down — my brain suddenly started processing the last years events.
As most of you know, August of last year, my husband and I got a huge curveball thrown at us – realizing we couldn’t have children. Shortly after that – I was diagnosed with a rather large kidney stone that required surgery – which didn’t go according to plan – and required ALOT more recovering time than we originally expected. For nearly a year – I’ve had no time to process and just buried my emotions – surviving day to day. I’m not writing this for sympathy, but rather knowing that some of you could relate. So, that is where I’ve been for the past month – processing and healing old wounds and even new ones.
In one month’s time, I’ve learned ALOT – and I’m still learning. But there are 4 lessons that at this moment in time really stick out at me.
The first lesson I’ve been reflecting over is that healing takes time. It’s been a year since my heart was shattered last August. And during that time – I’ve had a flood of different emotions – ranging from anger to sadness, to even joy and then depression. It’s literally been a roller coaster ride of emotions. What made matters worse was this constantly feeling from others – that I needed to just snap back to my old self and move on. But, healing doesn’t happen over night – I’m not some superhero plastered on the movie screen with the ability to heal with no scars left behind. Healing takes time Ya’ll and nothing is a quick fix for deep wounds. And this brings me to my next lesson…
Here is a deep load of TRUTH for your pants today. If you are trying to create a quick fix for your problems – it’s not a fix. Rather, it’s a bandaid over a problem that is guaranteed to bite you in the but or even devour you whole later on. And trust me – it will come back to haunt you! No matter how deep you think you dig. What I’m learning is there is no way to completely fix my problems – rather I just have to learn to process through them. Whether your scars are visible or hidden deep within your soul – they aren’t going away. Those scars will remain with you and even shape you into who you are going to be. And that can be a good thing or a bad thing… Depending on how you allow those scars to shape your soul.
Which brings us to the next lesson, I’ve learned… You can’t be a victor and victim at the same time. For over a year, I’ve felt my scars weigh me down in ways I can’t truly explain. This is partially why I started the 30 Tips Series on my YouTube channel – (and this is me being honest with you all – so please be kind) I didn’t really start that series because I really wanted to teach beginner watercolor skills (although it’s been such a blessing since I started it) – but rather I wanted to hide behind my teaching ability and not dive into the emotions that were flooding my soul. This is why I shut down anything on my YouTube channel that was personal for almost a year. I was struggling – and while there is a time to struggle and process through the crap you’ve been dealt – I can’t stay there forever. I can’t remain the victim of this sentence (of infertility). Rather I have to embrace that scar as a part of me – and stand tall as victor over it at some point in my life. Now, hear me out – I’m not saying ignore your scars – but rather realize that those scars were left as reminders that you conquered the deepest darkest moments your soul has ever faced. And for that I am proud of the resilience my soul conquered the darkest moment of my life.
And finally the last lesson I’ve learned, is not to allow the dark to change who you are. When, I learned that I couldn’t have children naturally – one of the first things that burned my soul was drawing and painting. Yep, you heard me right – the watercolor misfit couldn’t paint. From January until July – I barely drew or painted anything. Why? Well, in order to understand the reason, I have to dive back a bit into my past. Since I was a child, I always wanted to create a children’s picture book. This drive and passion had a way of shaping my art style into what you see today – the childish whimsey of illustrations from Misfit-land. However, after learning the news we couldn’t have children – these illustrations felt like deep stab wounds in my heart of the dream that could never be. They reminded me of what I had lost and had a way of digging at me in ways I never imagined. My own art work seemed like a constant dagger invisibly dragging me down to a place I never wished to visit – a deep depression. No one could understand my paint there – though many tried. The one thing that had given me comfort (my art) – now was the very thing that burned me in ways I can’t even explain. In an effort to alleviate my pain – I tried painting in more “mature” (less childish) illustrations. None of which I truly loved. You see – I was allowing the dark to re-shape who I was and what I really loved – the whimsey and magic or Misfit-land. I will admit – it’s been hard to take back the brush and pen and wield it again – but I’ve done it. And what I’ve found is all the pain and all the heart break has molded my art into something new. It’s still me, but just like I have changed – so has my art form. And I think it’s changed for the better. I’ve learned to let go more and allow the paint to have more of a will of its own. I’ve learned that I can’t control everything – yet I can control how I view my art style. No longer does it reflect the childish dream of a potential family – but rather the child within myself that has been locked inside for quite some time. The child that looks for wonder when the dark settles or views the world as a treasure trove full of possibility. Although the dark tried to suffocate me – instead I’m being to feel like it gave me a feeling of rebirth. I’m still me – just different. I don’t fit in really anywhere – I’m not a mom (though society and culture seems to think I should be at my age) I’m not a traditional artist, I’m not part of a “normal” family – point is I don’t fit into the mold pretty much anywhere…
But for now, I’m learning to be content – even when the world doesn’t seem to understand. And I’m learning to embrace my Misfit-self and just be me. If any of you feel like an outcast or like you just don’t fit – I offer this to you – dare to be different and embrace you. We weren’t made to fit the mold – we were made to break free and be something the world can’t truly understand. Welcome to the family – of Misfitians – those who dare to be different. Lots of love to you…I’ve really rambled to long on this one — but felt like this needed to be said.
For now, I’m learning to be content in all circumstances – even when the world doesn’t seem to understand. And I’m learning to embrace my Misfit-self and just be me. If any of you feel like an outcast or like you just don’t fit – I offer this to you – dare to be different and embrace the Misfit. We weren’t made to fit the mold – we were made to break free and be something the world can’t truly understand. Welcome to the family – of Misfitians – those who dare to be different.